Training for a Marathon

I've taken on a few new adventures as of late. I have decided to train for the 1st Kalamazoo Marathon. I've also decided to study and become ACE certified as a personal trainer. This past year as been so transformational for me in terms of losing all my fatness and discovering who I am and who I want to be.
I'm adding on.
Recent past; I've lost 90lbs since having Walter, who is now 14 months. During that personal transformation I have gained back self esteem, a great body (way better than the one I had before), and a new outlook on life.
This new and improved Momma MEL is ready to take on the world, starting with myself. I am going to be making up a study schedule, workout schedule, family schedule. I have found that schedule and routine has made me more productive. I'm hoping to keep this all up.
Here I go!

Starting Again

I have made myself so busy by living that I haven't taken the time to type out a little of my thoughts...starting a little later. I'm off to my workout!

Weight Loss

I started on this weight loss path as soon as I delivered my last son. At that time I was 241 lbs. After all the swelling went away and the baby bulge went down I was at a sturdy 209 lbs. That weight was taken when Walter was 4 weeks, at that time I could officially exercise and the struggle began. Walter is now 25 weeks old and I am down to 195 lbs. I have lost 14 lbs through serious exercise work but I cannot cut out calories because I am still nursing.
My husband and work out instructor tell me I have been reshaping my body but this is going so slowly. I have added Pilate's classes and interval training on the treadmill in the hopes of speeding up this weight loss process but I am so discouraged when I look at my arms and they are still so fat. I know fat is relative but for my body I am not supposed to look this way.
I have been told by my work out instructor last week to stop looking at the scale for 6 weeks and see where I am at that time and if nothing significant is happening to change things up again.
So here I am, worrying about whether I lost or gained weight last week. It is truly an obsession. On to another workout...

Life's Ups and Downs

My life has always been a roller coaster ride. I do not seem to posses the ability to avert off disaster. I ignore the signs of the future because I am literally too lazy to bother until I am smack down in shit. Unfortunately for my family they come along for the same ride.
I married the most stable man I have ever met however, he doesn't like confrontation, even with me. It is his best and worst quality. I think he does actually see the upcoming problems and would like to do something about them but I try to stop him from getting involved so he doesn't. The craziest part is I don't want him to get upset with me if I've done something wrong, just his looking at me or asking a question is too hard for me to deal with.
He has been asking me and asking me to allow him to help with the bills. Finally last night I gave in and he questioned the amount of the phone bill and the cable bill. Well, these two bills I know are high because of the added things I want but we definitely don't need. So he, of course, says that we can cut back on these few things to help out the household as a whole but I don't want that. My solution is not to cut back but for him to ask for a raise. He completely shuts down and our whole conversation is over. I know he's right and I should cut back on a few things and he knows I'm right and he really does deserve a raise and should ask for one but we both know these things are not going to happen so our life will continue on another year in the same up down fashion.
I wish for one day he would just shut off the things we don't need and I wish I could tell his boss the reasons he deserves a raise and that he'll walk if he doesn't get one. I guess my real hope for the future is that our kids are each somewhere in between the both of us. Right now I feel us on the clickity clack, clickity clack going up up up up. This is just the beginning of the 2010 roller coaster, we shall see where this ride takes us. I will say, up or down or spinning on the corkscrew we will be on this ride together smiling, screaming, laughing and crying. What a great life I live!!!

Going Political

So, a Republican won in Massachusetts. I, as a liberal with a capital L, is so pleased. For the past year the Democrats have squandered their time doing nothing but fighting amongst themselves and, as much as I want a liberal agenda put into policy they weren't doing what they said they would.
The Republicans are just better politicians. Democratic politicians are so worried about shoving policy through when they shouldn't have be. The Republicans don't seem to have the same problem when they come into the majority. They are more than willing to ram anything they want into law without worrying about the fallback because regardless of the fallback it is now law. Criticize them all you want but at least they know what they want to do and they actually get it done.
The Democrats are pussies. They have waited for so long, or so it seems to me, to be the majority but when we finally are the very policies that were won on couldn't seem to make it past the vote. It's like they are still in high school looking to be accepted by talking the talk but can't seem to put on their pants and walk it.
If this loss in Massachusetts doesn't make them take a good hard look at what they want to accomplish they are going to lose big in the fall with nothing to show for the majority they once had. Even as I write this, it may already be too late.

I Feel.....Nothing

It has been a long busy weekend in our home; household duties accomplished to some degree, expectations from the children to do SOMETHING, another Christmas to be had and a night out with my husband and a friend. Usually on Monday's I feel energized. It seems strange that all the people I know dread Monday's and I look forward to them so much. It is, in my opinion, the beginning of a new week. I have a schedule that I enjoy but today I don't feel it. I wish I had had one more weekend day to be prepared for Monday. I don't want to leave the house but I don't really want to stay here either. I want to work out but I don't really have the desire to put any effort into it. I just want to PUTZ around. No real purpose in it or meaning to it.
I really love my life. I love that I don't have to do anything but feed the children if I don't want to. That is really my only obligation, I love that. I love that my husband doesn't put demands upon me. I think that makes me lazy. I think I really am lazy, I wash dishes and do laundry and all other household duties but I don't really do the little things. Like....anything extra. Every now and again I get a burr up my butt to rearrange but it's not very often and usually it is because I have someone coming over. I don't know if this is something to be proud of.
Maybe coming alive today won't happen until after I hit the gym? Maybe I'll feel something then?

My Rant

I can tolerate and be friends with people who disagree with me. I don't need constant reassurance that I am correct and I am also not afraid to open my mind to another opinion or way of thinking. I recently found out I was Defriended on Facebook because I posted "I'm tired of getting Jesus posts". This isn't about whether I believe in Jesus or not, it is about the fact that I don't want anymore of those posts. But there is a bigger issue to be discussed about people not having tolerance anymore for those who are different.
I feel racism morphing into religiousism, politicism, incomism, educationism. Everything that made the American aspiration of equality seems to be disappearing. I don't know if it is fear in the unknown or fear of someone taking their spot in school or work but we will never achieve greatness if we, as a whole people, continue to knock down the very people who we will eventually need to help pick us back up.
I guess I'm not laughing anymore or needing to vent; I am now sad for those who can't see past their own single mindedness to the beauty of the collective whole.

Middle of the Month

The middle of the month is always the same. I sit at my desk and add up all which I currently owe. I add in all things that I owed last time we were paid and didn't pay. I also add up any and all I am currently overdrawn. Then I, with anticipation and trepidation, log onto my banking web site in the hopes that a unexpected raise was given to my husband to make all these things possible. At the point when I realize that there was no raise and his check is the same I reevaluate what I need to pay and what can wait.
See the problem isn't that my husband doesn't get paid enough the problem is I spend too much. Financial independence isn't about the money you take in, it is all about the money that goes out. I cannot control my spending.
To some it would seem I don't spend much but anything over your budget is too much. Now I don't spend a lot of money on clothes, things for the house, or extravagant vacations I spend money on food. I love good quality food. I don't eat boxed foods or frozen meals. I don't eat or make my menu based upon what is on sale this week, I eat what I want to eat. I don't compromise in herbs or purchase lesser quality cheeses I will purchase every item on the recipe and sometimes I add a few extra items that I think will make it taste just a touch better.
I behave, financially, as though money will somehow miraculously appear in my mailbox and all will be just fine. Well, after years of waiting for that mysterious check, surprisingly enough, it hasn't ever come. I tell myself, "this week I am going to live within my budget and only buy what I truly need", but I can't. I truly do not possess the ability to go the grocery store and not pick up a few extra things or get a different brand of an item because it is on sale. There are the times when I have to send my husband to the grocery store because he is reasonable and will come back home spending a third of what I would have spent. This is my biggest fault. It creates more problems that would not be there if I could just live within my means.
Here's the problem, more money won't make it better. I would just spend more, see this is when I truly believe people when they say money doesn't create happiness. For me wealth wouldn't make a lick of difference, my overdraft would just be bigger and, sadly enough, the cycle during the middle of the month would be the same.

Real Mothering

I wanna freak out. I am so fuckin tired I wish I could put the children in their room with a box of cerael and shut the door and lock it. I hate that I have to function. I attempt to be calm while speaking to the children for fear of one crack in my facade and I will become my own mother who ran after us with the wire end of a fly swatter. I feed them, get them drinks, and pretend I am giving a shit to what they have to say. When in reality all I am doing is allowing them to blow off enough steam so they will take a nap early. So here is the life of a real mother, not the fake variety that you meet in the grocery store all smiles and sunshine. The life of a real mother is filled with disgust at snot, shit and spit. The life of a real mother is tolerance with the acceptance that life will not always be happiness. The life of a true mother is strength beyond her imagination and the ability to see that at the end of this roller coaster ride, if done right, will be the love of those children she at one time wanted to stick in the bedroom and lock the door but didn't!

The Flu 2, Worst than the First

Warning: this will not be eloquent or amusing.
Again the flu has returned to my body as I have been suspecting it just might. This is worse however, than the 1st, because I am alone with all 3 little boys. Asking my husband to come home would mean using up his last sick day until mid March and my mother-in-law is useless when it comes to helping because she has, OH SO IMPORTANT, dancing and swimming and art league to do today. Hadn't she told me before that Monday's and Wednesday's and Friday's are not good for her. My mother is useless because she isn't in town and even if she were she is too mentally and physically incapacitated to help in any form whatsoever. She would probably come over saying she would help only to expect me to make her lunch or, even more probable, tell all the relatives that I don't feed the children and all I do is lay around. It is times like this when I am green from illness and green with envy for anyone who has a family that loves and helps unconditionally and is close enough in proximity to show it at times like these. My only bright spot is this should only last for 12 hrs. We, as with most other things in life, shall see.

Stepped off my Throne

My home is my throne where I direct my Paige's to do my bidding. When I leave I feel I enter Another's Kingdom and I have no say in who does what, where or when. I step off my throne only to serve my own selfish desires, yet still, I am distressed my title of Queen does not accompany me somehow. As I enter the commoners YMCA I must tote my own bags and keep my children in check while holding my head up in that regal heir wondering to myself, "does no one notice that I am here to strain my holy body in the classes I see fit, not while attempting to enter or exit this place". The effort I expend doing the "commoner's work" of signing in, checking the children into the child facility, then repeating it on the way out could be put to better use. I could take a longer class, put more effort into the class I currently am taking, or refresh myself longer in the lounge. Maybe some day in Another's Kingdom I will be recognized and treated with the honor I so deserve. However, while I wait, I will continue this daily ritual and relish the superiority I feel knowing I lowered myself today to mingle with the common man in the common YMCA and Meijer.

Uncertain Body

The stomach flu that was recently thrust into my life is like a penis in it's uncertainty to proceed or withdraw. The girl is saying no but her body is saying yes, well, my insides are quivering with the same uncertainty. Do you keep the coffee and banana down or allow it to come back out with the hope it will only take a minute or two to complete the job? The final thrust, if allowed, will hopefully come quick!

1st blog assignment

I am going to have a picture taken of me, all by myself while looking at the camera. I hate having pictures taken of myself because I want to pretend I look they way I did 5 years ago. I have gained so much weight while being pregnant for the last 3 children that I don't recognize myself. I have cut off all my hair because dealing with it is too much work and I have stopped coloring it because I can't get away often enough to keep it up. For those reasons I don't allow pictures, I hope to look more similar to my old self by summer/fall. We'll see.

Ignore children to start a blog...

For the last hour I have been ignoring my children, as they have just come home from school, and my baby who is fussing on the floor so I could set up this, oh so important, blog. Priorities right??